It was so much easier in the ’90s.
A friend would tell you she knew this guy who owns his own business, he’s super nice, good looking and you totally have to meet. You say, why not? It’s been a while. You talk on the phone with him a few times, he sounds like your type.
You meet him at a bar – he’s great – the rest is white picket fences and Sunday dinners.
This still happens a lot, but it seems like now, the rest part is a tad different – the rest is actually, “waste my time for three months, then back to the drawing board.”
This is modern dating, or what I like to call, “swiping for love.” You can swipe all day if you want to. It’s exactly like online shopping, only you’re shopping for someone who you think is attractive.
Why is it so hard for me to find chemistry? You know, that “spark.”
One of the most popular dating sites, eHarmony, states that almost one-quarter of Canadians have used dating apps. There are hundreds of single people in this country and it seems I’ve matched with them all.
Still, I’ve not had any lasting outcomes with emotionally-available people.
Is it me? After all, I am the only common denominator in these “situationships.”
Samantha Joel and Geoff MacDonald, two Ontario university professors of psychology, investigated why Western-cultured people choose to stay in relationships even if they see red flags.
Ultimately, the professors found it’s “evolutionarily advantageous” to be with a partner in a long-term relationship. Also, cultural beliefs tell us that long-lasting relationships are a sign of social status.
“I am desirable because this person chose me for a long time.”
The dilemma is always the same, If you give up at every inkling of a red flag, you’ll never progress. If you overlook every red flag, you’ll invest your time in someone who causes more headaches than happiness.
Where is the sweet spot?
A little self-reflection and I found out why this doesn’t work for me: any red flag in someone who I am not “crazy” about is too much of a headache.
Cue my type: emotionally unavailable and slightly narcissistic. They’re attractive and charismatic, and tell you what you want to hear. When you have them, you have them, but when you don’t — you absolutely don’t.
Dr. Annie Tanasugarn, a psychologist, writes about the different kinds of emotional unavailability and why you might be attracted to them. She writes that you could be emotionally unavailable, immature, wanting what’s easy rather than healthy, or seeking people to validate your negative self-feelings.
“Emotionally unavailable relationships hand us the ‘Golden Ticket’ into our own self-awareness if we allow it,” Tanasugarn said. “Their purpose is to show us where we’re falling short in showing up for ourselves.”
Look, I’m a 28-year old, single mother to a beautifully chaotic three-year-old. I’ve been through my share of long-term and short-term relationships. I’m invested in myself, my daughter, my close friends and family, education and my future career.
I’ve learned so much, so much to the point where I can realize that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
In fact, I can wait until I find that “sweet spot” between “walking red flag” and the “emotionally available” person who comes along. I can’t help who I’m attracted to, but I can decide who’s good for me.
After all, the heart wants, what the heart wants.