Typing in a word that lights up the world, my screen flashes white, “Welcome to K-Pop Amino Hae!”
Hae, a Korean word meaning the sun, it was my new identity. I was no longer the girl who sat in the second row, surrounded by classmates, but always felt alone.
Yet, contrary to my username, my world was not full of sunshine and rainbows.
In August 2018, when I felt I was holding onto life by a thread, I joined an online community called K-Pop Amino, in an attempt to regain the confidence I once had.
At age six, I was ostracized by my classmates for being the only female of Chinese descent. My family said to ignore it. School staff told me they would “talk to them.”
I couldn’t ignore it, and the talks never happened.
For years, I put on a mask. If I couldn’t stop it, I’d act as the “unbothered queen” that I desperately wanted to be.
But enough was enough. I was tired of pretending. Nobody around me took me seriously because of the front I put up and finding genuine friends was near impossible.
K-Pop was one of the only things I was passionate about. So, I took on the name that meant sun, in hopes it would not only brighten my day but others as well.
Entering conversations, I began with “Hae it’s me!” in other words, “the sun, it’s me!”
It was my signature line. It brought happiness to those around me, and I simply couldn’t stay sad in such a positive environment.
Within the first week of joining, I made my first long-term friend. Our conversations varied. We bonded over K-Pop, school, social issues, shared personal stories and even wrote stories together.
Becoming friends with her made me realize that acting unbothered all the time wasn’t a good strategy. I needed to give voice to my thoughts and opinions, no matter how ridiculous it may sound.
Eventually, I started posting about my favourite groups, random things that go on in my day, and funny stories I had to tell.
My posts were considered “relatable” in more ways than one, and through these posts, I slowly started to gain more friends.
I decided that I wanted to give back to the community that showed me what love and support really was in March 2019, when I joined the leadership team as a chat moderator. In other words, I was a snitch.
My job was to make sure public chats did not break guidelines and to report back to higher-ups if they did.
I learned a lot on the job. My observation skills and reaction times were at an all-time high, and I grew confident talking to other users on just about anything.
But all good things come to an end. I left the team and became inactive in May 2021 to focus on my studies.
Although I don’t spend hours on end on the app or interact with others in the community much anymore, I still take and apply everything I’ve learned during my time in the community in my daily life.
I might not be able tell them the sun, me, is here anymore. But the light of the sun never dies out.
Don’t miss me too much. If you do, just look out the window.