My name is Makayla Verbruggen, and during this past year I have learned so much about myself and some important details about my life. But during these last few months, I have tried to overcome some aspects of my mental health.
What people don’t tell you about finding yourself — and working towards building yourself — is that it takes a lot of soul searching and shifting through the things you have been avoiding for years. For me it was like trying to find a paperclip in a mansion with the lights out: I know where I needed to go but I couldn’t see what was in front of me and I kept falling over things or getting hurt.
It is not an easy task but you know you will get there sooner or later.
I found overthinking was, and remains, my biggest issue. It’s both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, my overthinking helped me be more creative and has fueled my passion for writing. Then the curse. Whenever something doesn’t go according to plan, everything falls apart and nothing I do is ever right.
I tell myself that I should just quit while I am ahead.
This frame of mind, with depression, means whenever I overthink something, and I let it limit me. I tell myself that maybe I am overwhelmed or tired, and I take a break from whatever I was doing to calm down.
This has proven to be somewhat costly as I have missed assignments and I feel like I am failing even though my grades don’t show that. I am not failing, I am just not doing as well.
Stress is a healthy thing to have. Many people use it to motivate and it works among most of us to keep us going. But for some, it can be limiting.
It is another internal struggle I have to deal with, and every time I get stressed out, I break down and feel as if I did something to punish myself. I spend more time stressing over what I have to do, and calming myself down, than I do working on the assignment that is causing me the distress.
Because of COVID-19, and the way I think, I was able to convince myself that I don’t belong in my program. I forget I am following my heart and doing things that I love. It takes a while to realize I am just not in the right environment.
I am not falling behind; I am learning differently. I may need to take an extra year to reach my goal but at the end, I will be confident that I know what I am doing.
I still fight even though I’ve been struggling with my mental health for years. Things get difficult for me and I don’t feel like I am good enough. While I know that life is hard, I also know I can do anything.
I feel now is not the best time to work on myself because I am in the middle of a very difficult year. Yet I know I was meant to be here and this is the right time for me to be working on myself, by taking time for myself and pushing forward.
No matter what comes my way I know I will be okay. I am not the person that I was when I first started this journey and I will spend my life growing into the person I need to be. It’s just taking me a little longer.